Here is an excerpt from the book The Shack that truly spoke to my heart in a very good way:
(This is Jesus speaking) "You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! .... But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"........
......."I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. [Abbey], do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
........"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."...........
............"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."
Well ding dang, this just about sums me up! Thanks to Katie for reminding me of the things this book taught. I did dearly love this book, and this passage is the main reason why (among many others). I'm not going to do a review of the book here, but I did want to mention The Missy Project. The author at the end of the book asks those who've read it to let other people know about how the book affected their lives and entitle it The Missy Project. This bit from the book was one of the little bubbles of help and knowledge that have popped around me that has made me look deep within myself to see how I truly feel, and also to see the problem with how handle myself and my fears. I don't know if it has necessarily changed my life, but it has been a helper, and though it's fairly controversial (I don't agree with everything written), it made me feel better. It made me re-evaluate how I communicate with God, and all this is good. I think anything that can assist a person in being closer to God is worth reading, theological issues aside. I loved this passage because the moment I started reading it, I literally cried. It so perfectly sums up my spiritual problems (besides plain old chemical imbalances), and I was hugely grateful to see it written out in black and white. Just like writing that last unhappy blog, seeing it written helped tremendously. I've struggled with fear all my life. I can look back on trials I've had and see myself saying "once I'm past this, then I'll be happy", and being brutally honest to myself, I've said this to myself this time around too. How wrong of an outlook is that? Shouldn't I know happiness when I see it and be able to savor it? Shouldn't I know I'll always have the Lord and Jesus in my life? The catch is that I have to let them. And that right there is another glaring struggle.
Today, I had an MRI done, and I was thinking plenty on the way there. Praying too, but I'm not sure that I accomplished much in that area. There was a battle going on inside of me, and I don't know who has won yet. I felt as I was laying there "Ok, it is in God's hands now. The pictures have been taken and now I can do nothing else, but wait". I also felt though, that nothing is wrong with me. That this whole charade of doctors appointments and weird tests (Google an EMG test, I did that on Monday, not fun) is a pointless unnecessary mess. I felt that I need to LET GO. Let it go, let it be. Give my fears and anxiety and irrationality to my Saviour, because that's what he's here for. This once again, is my trial and dang it if it isn't essentially the exact same trial I've had all my life (self-induced of course). It's sad that I have to beat myself down repeatedly to learn a lesson. I did that in high school too, btw. Sorry Mom & Dad... I did eventually learn though, at least about getting away from jerk boys, lol. I think though, that this present trial and the particulars of it, is Heavenly Father shoving my weaknesses right up into my face so I can truly see them and finally learn. I'm sure He doesn't think of it in those exact words, but yes, that is what is happening here. Is this going to be the time I finally LET GO and release myself to Him? The battle continued on my way back to pick up my kids though, with Crazy thinking the doctors wouldn't order these tests to be done unless they were concerned something was going on. Normal though reminds me they as a general rule have to be thorough, for several reasons (monetary, but I also like to think because they genuinely care about healing people), and these tests are merely to exclude. Not diagnose, but exclude.
So that is where I am today. I'll hear the results by Thursday, but I wanted to write this post before I heard, so that my true feelings are recorded. When I stare myself down deep into my soul, I don't feel that anything is wrong with me. I think worse things would be happening if that were true. Crazy is still lurking outside though, and that's tough. I'm trying to visualize success today (Ben is my resident Dr. Phil), and visualize WHEN I'm cleared, not if, and visualize my today, not the scary unknown future. Jokes on me though if there is something wrong though, eh? I suppose there'll be a whole new struggle though if that happens. And I suppose I'll have to work all over again at letting go, and finding my faith. The journey continues, no?
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3 comments:
Good job young jedi. And even if something is wrong (and don't in ANY way take this as a HINT that I think there is ANYTHING wrong) you have lots and lots of people ready to help you, mentally physically and spiritually.
Hang in there Abs. I love you and am praying and thinking of you. You are stronger than you think you are!
This made me think of 2 things, first a favorite song of mine from college by Caedmon's Call. The first verse says "I found an old box of letters, and I laughed to learn that the same old things that plagued me then are plaguing me still." We all have that thing that we work constantly on getting rid of, but its always going to be work. Fortunately God acknowledges the effort and makes up whatever gaps are still there.
And second, a few days after we lost Emma we got a package in the mail from a woman who works with my uncle in Indiana. She'd lost her oldest son, who was 15, the summer before (he collapsed in the shower and no one was ever able to figure out what happened.) During her lowest point of grief, someone gave her "The Shack" and it totally turned her grieving process, and life it seems, around. She now sends a copy of "The Shack" to everyone she knows (and people she doesn't, obviously, like us) a copy and writes in the front that it was given in her son's memory. She even goes through the obituaries of her local newspapers and sends copies to every family who's lost a child, she's amazing. I thought that was a very cool way of following the Missy Project rules. I haven't been able to bring myself to read my copy yet, but I think I'm almost there. Almost.
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